What They Need Us to Know and What They Need From Us
As adults responsible to care for and meet the needs and demands of preschoolers, it is easy to trip over some of the big behaviours that we see. In answering the question of what do they need us to know about them?, we look toward the attachment-based developmental approach of Dr. Gordon Neufeld. He answers this beautifully, 'What they need us to know is that they are not like us and we are not like them. Preschoolers are not meant to be like us and we are not meant to be like them.'
'What they need us to know is that they are not like us and we are not like them. Preschoolers are not meant to be like us and we are not meant to be like them.' Gordon Neufeld
The brain is very intentional in how it wires up. The front part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) does not get wired up until the age of 5 - 7 at best. Expecting preschoolers to be nice, to be considerate, to share, to get along, to have self control, and to respond well when they are apart from 'their people' all require the front part of the brain . . . the part they are not yet wired up for. What we see on the outside is big emotions and an impulsive, untempered nature . . .you know . . . yelling, hitting, biting, clinging, pushing, tantrums, taking toys, refusing to eat, not able to reason . . . all these wild and wonderful things that can come out of no where!! The good news is that preschoolers are meant to grow out of this, nature has a design. That is not to say that all have grown out of this, we all know adults who are impulsive, lack self-control, have tantrums, etc.
So knowing this begs the question. . . what do preschoolers need from us? They need us compensate for the parts of their brain that are not wired up yet and to cut them some emotional slack in not having the filters that we do . . . or should. It becomes our role in helping them to do the 'one thing at a time' that the brain is wired up for. It is something that cannot be taught, consequenced, or rewarded into being. It is the design of nature that naturally and spontaneously unfolds in the warmth, safety, and nurturance of a caring adult.
Our four year old granddaughter came to spend the night last week. As bedtime approached there was a time of tears and frustration in wanting her mom. In preschool fashion, big upset began to come . . tears, mad, pushing away closeness and contact, not cooperating to get ready for bed. 'I want my mommy!! I don't want you!! . . .I want my mommy!!' Keeping my calm and warmth I respond, 'Yes, I know you want your mommy, we feel sad when we are lonely for mommy.' The mad in her voice turns to sadness coming through in sobs, and the pushing away comes to a stand still, 'Gam . . . I so yoneyee for my mommm, I just want herrr' . . .the tears stream down her cheeks as we begin to put on her pj's. We tell stories about mom, and talk about finding mommy in her dreams. . .she will be with the blue talking pickle lol! We find our way to her bed as we continue telling stories. Soon, tears of sadness turn to giggles of talking pickles and sleep falls into the heart of a precious little one. Such a beautiful moment spent compensating in doing the 'one thing' well, which in that moment was to help name and feel the big sadness of missing mommy.
Stay tuned as we continue to peek into the wonder of preschoolers!! Raising kids is definitely not for the faint of heart. It is no easy task in keeping our hearts soft to nurture connection in seeing and reading what is needed . . . especially in the midst of big emotions and pressures of daily life.